2009
The government reveals plans for early intervention in the rapidly increasing problem of Alzheimer's disease in the ageing population. These will involve memory tests. Gordon Brown, meanwhile, is suffering because of his 2007 speech promising "British job
Dicing with Death; Darling announces a huge wad of extra cash to free up the credit freeze. The first one didn't wok, apparently - it seems the banks said thank you very much and squirrelled the wonga away for future rainy days and bonus payments. Is this his last throw of the dice?
Lords for Hire; The Sunday Times alleges that four Labour peers (although entrapped) had offered - when asked by reporters posing as businessmen - to use their offices to amend legislation for sizeable fees. if true, this is the return of sleaze culture which dogged the tail end of Major's Tory government. It is also unwholesome, loathsome and, well, corrupt. Reports are convened, fingers wagged and a general scratching of chins is undertaken.
The Extended Hand; Obama said, in his inauguration speech that "if Iran is prepared to unclench its fist, it will find an extended hand". Ahmadinejad, presumably trying to appeal to the dwindling band of idiots who believe his populist rhetoric, shouts and screams and demands apologies for "60 years of US agression". He also signifies that Iranian nuclear developments will not be halted. So not a lot of reciprocity on the table then. The extended hand of friendship is greeted by the jagged teeth of blind dogma
Brown's Absolution; Gordon Brown meets the Pope in the Vatican, ostensibly to confer about aid to developing countries. Always good to be seen hanging around with a pontiff. Who knows, some fairy dust might drop on to his shoulders.
Northern Rocky; Northern Rock re-opens for business in the mortgage market. The re-made, re-modelled, nationalised failed-bank advertises for mortgage applications as a severely reduced version of its pre-crash pomp. Will it work?
Fat Cat Railco; Gordon Brown insists that the cap of 1%-above-inflation rises in regulated rail fares must remain in place, even though the private rail companies have been whining about impending poverty and doom in a low-inflation or deflationary world. Poor fat cats! Poor shareholders! Reports of commuters' hearts bleeding are rife.
G20 Leaders; Brown has been pimping himself around the world, cuddling up to all and sundry in the run-up to the G20 in London, with the aim of being seen as the star of the show. In reality, there may be another person the world is rushing to see when he touches down in London.
Obama Liberty; Obama makes an apparently emollient speech about bridging gaps between the US and Iran. He makes no promises, and still waves a big stick. Iran reacts poorly.
Spinning Fireworks; Damian "McPoison" McBride, a special adviser or attack-dog to Gordon Brown at No 10 resigns after causing a huge furore over proposals to leak defamatory information about certain Tory MPs and wives via a website called Red Rag, run by ex-lobbyist Derek Draper. The right-wing. anti-politician blogger Paul Staines - nom-de-blog "Guido Fawkes" - gets wind of it and publishes the whole story. McBride has to go, having set off such a box of squibs. Brown is badly burnt by it.
Lovely Time; Brown takes a bank holiday in England to show his commitment to the country in its time of woe. It rains. Meanwhile, back in Westminster, Harman, Clarke and Blears plot and mix. 
Red Leader; everything Brown does now seems to go wrong. Things are going wrong with the Eurofighter project, just as he launches the local election campaign.
Flipper; Darling has been accused of "flipping" his main house in order to claim extra expenses. Meanwhile, Brown appears paranoid that Darling is after his job. 
HMS New Labour; the end seems to be nigh. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has gone and Darling seems to be giving equivocal briefings to media.
Piggy Bank. There does not appear to be much left in the bank for any kind of recovery.
Yoof; not a lot looks good in prospect for the youth of the UK right now.
Help! They don;t appear to have much of a clue right now, as the Beatles collection is re-mastered and re-issued.
Darling Borrows; he'll need to borrow quite a bit to get us out of this mess.
Brown Balloon; Mervyn King tries to reflate the economy (and Brown's reputation) but it doesn't appear to be working.
Prudence: In the Queen's Speech Gordon Brown promises a bill obliging the government to halve budget deficit within four years and also makes a pledge to prevent bankers who take "reckless" risks from getting bonuses via a Fiscal Responsibility Bill. Is Prudence finally making a timely return to Gordon's side? She's been waiting for a long time. Is she still up for a bit of rough and tumble in the Chamber?
Copenhagen Bear; The scientist who convinced the world to take notice of the looming danger of global warming says it would be better for the planet and for future generations if next week's Copenhagen climate change summit ended in collapse. One wonders what the polar bears think of that?
Deep Hole; sort of self-explanatory.
MPs' Castle
The start of Cheltenham week coincides with Mervyn King's "quantitative easing" plan by the Bank of England. It's a gamble. If that doesn't release credit, then there's no plan B.
